#6 Autism
When My Neurotype Meets My Trauma
Things went awry for me in my writer’s group meeting, yesterday. I was already feeling overwhelmed, and then when faced with a dogged critic, I lost my words. I knew I was probably expected to respond, but I just sat there. I must’ve seemed rude or angry, there was no “out” button. No recourse.
One of my autistic traits is selective mutism. It arises when I’m overwhelmed.
In social situations, I rarely ever know exactly what “happened” unless we’re talking about literal actions. I only know I walked away feeling bullied, and it triggered a trauma response.
It was early this morning before I got enough meltdown energy out of my system to sleep, but I kept jump-scaring myself awake with flashbacks to the meeting. The words. The ideas. The implications.
A quote: “Mild autism doesn’t mean I experience autism mildly, it means you experience it mildly.”
I feel like I experience a version of this, too — likely related to ADHD. There are times in overwhelm I can’t even articulate what’s wrong, I just shut down and shut everyone else out until I can regain my balance and articulate to myself what’s gone awry. Likewise in arguments. In any case, I’m really sorry this happened. Writer group trauma is truly its own brand.
Mutism, This has happened to me.
Amy, don't ever let anyone stop you from writing.